reaching the finish line.

 Two weeks went by faster that I thought. Exactly 14 days ago I decided to go on a break with Alex, with the main reason still being him not having a job after 6 months. We have had countless of fights about this and it feels like he still doesn't understand that it's not about him having the most money in the world so he can spoil me in gifts, but that we are both financially stable and making it possible to meet each other. 

I knew from the start that going into a long distance relationship would be a tough fucking battle, but what can you do when you're head over heels in love with a person? 

So when he promised me that he would finally (read 'this was the 3734th time he said this') take finding a job serious, and decided to go chill with his homies again, anger got the best of me and I told him to fuck off. Blocked everywhere. 

Why is it so hard to understand that it bothers me? I'm not asking him to get a manager position in 3 days or work at the office, even going back to bartending or restaurant work wouldn't bother me. It's the fact that he is not actively searching for one. I gave him so much time to find a job, even helped him by sending 50+ links to job vacancies and wrote multiple motivation letters for him. I would still be so proud of him if he would've gotten rejected by 50 places, because at least then I know he put effort and focus into finding a way to take the financial burden of my shoulder and saving money to do things together. It just bothers me that he prefers to do nothing at home or hang out with his lil loser homies in the skatepark. He keeps saying it's just a phase and that he's not lazy,  but what else can I call it? It's just laziness at this point, and he knows it. 

It breaks my heart that I lost the possible love of my life over something as imbecile as being jobless and it hurts me even more that he isn't willing to change the narrative. It's not like I'm asking him to do something irresponsible. Who fucking doesn't love money in this world? Who doesn't want to spoil themselves and their loved ones with gifts or save up to go on a vacation. Don't you need money to survive? Groceries, rent, school, driver's license, health. Why do you want to stay stuck in a vicious cycle? 

It tears me apart to not know what he's doing or who he's with. In some way trust can waver when you and you're partner are bad, and I'm scared that in a moment of weakness he will into the eyes of another woman and find his happiness there. Even if it's just temporary.

But fuck it. I gave him months of time and space. I gave him endless resources and help. I even worked my ass of at two jobs combined with school so I could provide for the both of us when I flew all the way to Lisbon to see him. I've spend over 2500 euros on a 10 day trip, and it wasn't even anything fancy. 

If he wants me, he will do what's right and eventually reach out to me. I'm always the one reaching out to him after a fight. This time I won't do it first, or ever again. If he doesn't reach out, then I will know my place in his heart. Better to find out now than 4 years down the right. 

So now I'm going to continue sipping on my cocktail at this beach club in Zeeland, enjoying the sun and ocean waves. My happiness doesn't depend on a man anymore. 

If he wanted to he would. 

breaks leading to breakups.

In some way I know that we're a case of right person, wrong time. I just don't want to accept it yet. 

My relationship with Alex has come to a halt. What used to be an exciting new adventure slowly turned into a bitter nightmare. 

So I asked for a break. 

I asked for a two-week break so that he could focus on finding a job and getting his schedule back to normal without the pressure of considering me into his daily tasks. I know it sounds very vague but I'm not here to talk about our upcoming breakup. I was cleaning my room today and suddenly remembered a moment between us that overwhelmed me with emotions. 

We always joke about how we never made love, which is not the case, just because we prefer a certain type of sex. In our eyes, 'making love' is slowmotion sex. The slow thrust, eye to eye, passionate candlelight movie sex. Truth is we both just like it rough and that's why we deny making love to each other. 

But during my last trip to Lisbon in May we weren't on good terms at all. We were fighting for weeks and didn't intend to stay together. He came over to my Airbnb the night that I landed to talk things through. We were so distant from each other but everything inside of me burned for him to touch or hold me. I was drawn to his lips since the moment he started speaking, while I just sat there in silence with tears in my eyes.  One thing led to another and before we knew it, clothes were being torn off. At one point, while our bodies gradually started becoming one, we made eye contact and that's when he said 'I love you'.

I knew right there and then, with our bodies intertwined, we made love. 

The feelings that went through my body as he said those words were a mixture of passion, sadness, euphoria and longing. It's not like this was the first time he said it, but something about this moment felt so intensely pure to me. 

I miss you, Morgado.