I just can't let you go.

4th of July, 2012. 
That's when I first met him. 
It wasn't love at first sight, rather hate at first sight.
But you know what they say, there's a thin line between love & hate.

I should've listened to my friends, they told me he was bad news from the start. 
What started as enemies, turned into a perfect relationship. It went fine for a couple of months, but as time passed by, things went down hill. 
We hadn't seen each other in 2 months, which was rare because we were together almost every week. He never responded to my texts and when he did it was really curt. When I went to his house, he was never home, he was always "busy". 
Another month went by and I gave up, it emotionally drowned me and I just couldn't take it anymore. I know, it sounds really exaggerated, but believe me, it really was exhausting. I finally mustered up the courage to talk to him about this "thing" we were in, because it sure as hell didn't feel as an relationship anymore.
Long story short, he told me that this whole relationship was based on a bet, everytime he was busy he was with some blonde bimbo getting it on and I was just a game for him. 

Me, being the coldhearted bitch I am, told him that I didn't give a fuck and I never really cared about him either. For a moment, I thought I saw a small glimpse of hurt in his eyes. But it must have been my imagination because when I took a second look, it was just a pair of dull emotionless hazel eyes looking at me like I was a bag full of shit. I flipped him the bird and walked back to my house with a pride, bigger than Kim Kardashian's ass,  evident in my steps.

But it was all an act. An act I knew, only he could look through. 

When I closed the front door of my house, I cried. A lot. Hell, I put the Niagara Falls to shame. We were young, but I loved this boy and deep down I knew, that I always would. 

We stopped talking, we never hung out again. It was hurting me everytime I saw him, but after a while I never saw him again. 

Three years later I saw his mom at the supermarket. From what I remembered, she always looked bubbly and happy, but right then , she looked like she'd been through hell and back. It surprised me that she still knew who I was. She gave me an envelope with my name on it and told me to read it at the clearing in the woods where He and I used to come every day. We said our goodbyes and I was on my way to the woods. 

When I finally parked my car, I opened the envelope and started reading. 

6th of May, 2014

Babydoll,

I don't know when you're reading this. Five months, two years, ten years? Maybe you never even got my letter, but let's hope for the best right now. 

Remember that afternoon when I kind of crushed your heart in little pieces? Yeah? Forget everything I ever said that day. I didn't mean it. It fucking hurted me saying it and I can't even imagine the pain and hatred you felt at that moment. 

So let me explain this to you, I died. 

Shocker huh? Don't cry right now, save them for someone who is worth your tears. 

All the times I told you I was busy, I didn't cheat on you, I would never do that. I was at the underground plotting my revenge on a specific gang in town. 

Yup, surprise, there are gangs in our town, they're everywhere. 

My father owned them some money but he couldn't afford it. So they killed him. I was going insane when I saw his lifeless body thrown in our garden with a note attached to his tongue with "Pay time is up, what a shame, don't even think about telling the police. If we go down, we drag you two with us" written on it. 

So after that, I met up with my father's old friends and plotted my revenge.  

And after a few weeks , we finally did it. We killed the leader of that stupid ass gang. 

It wasn't save for me anymore and I knew that if they found out about us, they would easily use you to hurt me. I don't even want to think about all the cruel things they could have done to you. So I needed to break things off with you. I needed to hurt you so badly that you would stay away from me, forever. 

So I did it. I broke your heart. I can still see the hatred that filled your eyes when you looked at me when I close my eyes. 

And it fucking hurts.

I am writing this from some dingy motel room and I know these are my last hours on earth. I know they are coming for me, and I know they will be here by 8 pm with a gun pointed to my head. Word travels fast around here. 

Please forgive me for everything I ever did wrong to you. 

I love you. 

Yours forever,

- Seth

And after three years, I started crying again. 

b o r e d

Remember the cute guy from my last post I was head over heels with? Yeah.. I'm kinda over that boy. It really was just a stupid crush. And that, my people, is why you don't rely on your feelings.

Sure, he was sweet and all, but I think I'm gonna keep it with the ones who have some sass.
Blame Wattpad for my high expectations, but my boo better have green eyes and black hair.

So yeah, nothing really special happened this week, had a party on Saturday, and that's it. Got a cute boy's number, knocked over a hookah at a shisha lounge, fell from the stairs, nothing much, just a normal weekend in my life.

Btw, tomorrow is my final test (praise the lord) which I'm definitely gonna fail, so wish me luck.

I just wanted to post something, because I was bored but I'm pretty tired now.

G O O D N I G H T

The feels.

In my past "attempts" at love, I was really spontaneous and outgoing. If I liked a guy, I would just randomly flirt with him and if I saw a cute guy at the bus stop, I would ask for his number. Three cute guys at a party? I'd kissed all three of them because I couldn't choose. I basically was ,a wild bitch.

So there's this really cute guy at my school and we're just friends, but lately we've become really close. He's tall, sweet and a great listener. 

I think I'm falling for him, and that's the problem.

He is different and I know it sounds really cliché , but he really is. He is nothing like the type I would go for, he is the exact opposite. He is the loyal, caring, preppy good boy with a tiny badass inside, the type of guy I swore I would not fall for. And that's the reason why I cant, he is 'too' good. I have to be so fucking careful it hurts. But I just can't help it, he's perfect in my eyes.

 Ew gross, I sound like a love sick puppy.

Guess opposites really do attract huh.

Win.

 "The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place. It will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much can you take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. So suck it up and deal with it."

Because of you.

Because you picked me up when I struggled to get through.
Because you healed my heart when it was thrown and shattered.
Because you gave me hope when it seemed so out of reach.
Because you filled me with peace when chaos flowed through my veins.
Because you showed me the light when there was only darkness.
Because you gave me comfort when my voice cried out in pain.
Because you reassured me when the doubts screamed in my head.
Because you kept me going when there seemed nowhere to go.
Because you sustained me with strength when weakness became all I knew.
Because you came and stayed when everyone else turned around and left.
Because you gave me a purpose when life seemed so pointless.
Because you restored my happiness when life seemed to snatch it away.
Because you filled this emptiness when the void echoed with loneliness.
Because you helped me let it all go when I gripped the tightest to hold on.
Because you showed me the beauty of life when the world showed me nothing but hate and corruption.
Because you gave me a better life when the old one fought to come back.
Because I am nothing without you nothing but a hopeless being.
Because only You could tear down my wall of pride, and instead build it back up with love and humbleness.
Because of all this, I give you my life Lord.
I will put all my fears and failures in Your hands, my worries that consume me, my pain that destroys me.
You were always there, even when I rejected You.
Because of You my life is yours.
Thank you.

I'm Addiction

I'm Addiction

Well, it's nice to finally meet you.
I've been waiting for your call.
I've noticed you've been crying,
And, I've watched you pace the halls.

Whatever has been hurting you,
I can make it disappear.
You know you have nothing to lose,
Nothing to live for, nothing to fear.

Thank you, for your invention.
I'll be sure not to leave your side.
We'll become very fast acquainted.
My naive child, there's no use trying to hide.

I should probably introduce myself.
I am your very own addiction.
But, you can not be angry with me.
I am you own self-conviction.

I bet you feel rather stupid,
Falling right into my lap.
I'm a master at manipulation.
You'll never escape my trap.

How does it feel to dance with the Devil?
For he and I are one in the same.
God, has completely abandoned you,
So, you might as well stay in the game.

Are you honestly going to try and beat me?
A useless battle if you want to know.
Go ahead and make an attempt.
Besides, I'm in the mood for a good show.

I guess, you think your special.
But, your sobriety has only lasted a year.
I'm still around every corner,
In the back of your mind
I'm your greatest fear.

I'll always be your dirty little secret.
I won't disappear over time.
Twenty years from now you may falter,
And, I'll be the first thing that comes to mind.

A vicious cycle, that's what your thinking,
But, I'm only speaking the truth.
I'm Satin's weapon of mass destruction.
The silent killer of America's youth.

It's genius when you think of it.
Everyone's looking for some Armageddon war.
But, what the fools don't realize,
Is everyday Armageddon walks through their front door.

- I.S. 

(credit goes to FFP)

The Girl And The Shark.

The Girl And The Shark.

Once upon a time,

in the middle of the night.

A girl and a shark got up to fight.

They are so different, 

yet so much alike.

He is hopelessly doomed 

whilst she glows and shines.

She walks gracefully in the dark,

ignoring the constant danger,

oblivious to the watching shark.

She dances around bringing joy and smiles,

to those pained hearts she considers worthwhile.

She believes in soulmates.

She believes in love.

But the cruel truth is,

she doesn't have any of those.

The awaiting shark has lost his soul.

He stupidly thinks,

She can fill the hole.

That empty hole in his chest,

it swallows everything,

even his own blood and flesh.

The pain had made him numb,

turning him into a cold monster,

one that doesn't deserve love.

Hurtful words have stamped his spirit.

Scars have marked his body.

Salvation is inaccesible to him,

he is just a nobody.

The girl and the shark must stay apart,

because he will not wound,

her precious heart.

- Evan

(credit for this lovely piece of art goes to Ariana Godoy)

Fake Friends.

I should probably learn because I have this week full of exams ahead of me....

lol bye bitch

Aaahh school, love it or hate it. The place where you'll be judged all the time ,no matter what you do.

Geeks, losers, jocks, popular squad, hipsters, the "normal" people, we've seen it all.

High School sucks. And I'm not just saying this because I'm some fucked up drug addict who wants to get high all the time or some whiny blonde bimbo who only cares about boys and parties. Deep down inside I really like learning about new stuff , but let's keep that between us, don't want the whole school to find out. And I know I'm not the only one.

It's actually pretty sad you know, to be afraid of telling people you like school because if you do, you're classified as a Geek or Loser. I'm not trying to sound like a hipster right now...but society really does suck balls. It's all about status nowadays. Like can you not.

Lately I've been hanging with some other people and I realized something, they didn't judge me if I did something crazy, they joined me and I have never enjoyed myself so much. That's when I knew, I've been "friends" with the wrong people. They only needed me because of my status. Pff thinking they slick, tryna make a God vs. Satan 2.0 uh? So all you fake friends can suck my non existent dick and fuck a pineapple. 

bye bitches 

- I.S.

(and no I'm not talking about THAT I.S. ,those are my initials)

Sex.

'Since when is the person you want to screw the only person you get to love? It's so stupid. Who even gives a fuck about sex?! People act like it's the most important thing that humans do, but come on. Even slugs can do. I mean, who you want to screw and whether you screw them? Those are important questions, I guess. But they're not that important. You know what's important? Who would you die for? Who do you wake up at five forthy-five in the morning for even though you don't even know why he needs you?'



I found this passage in some book I read , and I really felt the need to share it. Because tbh, if you live in this generation, being an 16 year old virgin is not normal.
Sex is not EVERYTHING people, get that through your thick skull.

You can do this.

Before you know it, you’re 20 years old and wondering what happened to that 13 year old girl and why did she spend so long hating herself? But you realize that 13 year old girl didn’t ever see herself to be 20, she didn’t think she would make it that far, but she did, and oh God, she’s so proud of herself for doing so.

I miss missing you.

I just miss all the mess that we made, when we still had the passion to hate.

                                                                              - The Saturdays

In the earlier post I talked about a particular boy that kinda broke my heart in a really complicated way. And you know that feeling when you just find the perfect song for the situation you're in. Well, that happend to me today. 

I was just scrolling around, looking for some good music on youtube and all of a sudden this song pops up. I was like 'wow wtf , satan get outta here'. I wanted to change the song but the tune was catchy so I just listened to the song and it's lyrics. And guess what, the lyrics were pretty fucking accurate. I felt the need to share the song because I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

So D. , this song is for you fuckboy.

The Chase.

As soon as you stop wanting something, you get it.
                                                                               - Andy Warhol

We've all been a victim of "The Chase". It's the thrill, the rush, the risk, the feeling of succes. If I'm gonna be honest, I've been a victim also.

Met this perfect guy and he puts me in the friendzone. From that day on, I only had 1 mission: get this boy. So I played a 'lil hard-to-get, flirted , showed a little shoulder, all that stuff. Finally after 2 years he noticed me and started crushing back. Boy, was I in heaven. Everything went fine for like 2 months and it was getting serious but by then I started losing interest. He was sweet and perfect and basically the guy your mom wants you to marry, but something was gone, the chase was gone.
His sweet texts and romantic gestures didn't affect me anymore, I was over him. I told him three days later because I didn't want to lead him on, he was one of my best friends by then. Of course that started some drama between us. But we're over that shit.

I get it okay, if someone breaks your heart, you're gonna hold grudges against them. But was it really my fault(in my stars lol)? You can't control your feelings and letting him go was better than leading him on, right?
So pretty boy, you can hop off my non-existent dick, because...

I DON'T FUCK WITH YOU, YOU 'LIL STUPID ASS BITCH.

Man. It feels good to be angry.

First things first.

The typical white girl typing away some Tumblr post on her laptop at Starbucks, thanking God for the free wifi, also known as 'The Hipster'.

Haha lol that's NOT me bye.

Okay I have to admit, there is going to be some mushy lovey dovey stuff when I'm in the mood but most of the time it's gonna be fucking depressing, ratchet and full of hatred 'cus I'm an antisocial teenager who lives of her phone ,has an affair with her fridge (I love you, P.O.P hold it down) , and an undying passion for alcohol and a good party.

So yeah that's basically me in short.
Enjoy this stupid blog fuckers. <3